In Search of a Tin Foil Hat

15 09 2009

I’m a paranoid person. I mean really paranoid. Let’s say I say hello to a coworker and the coworker doesn’t respond. Most people would think “Oh, {insert person’s name here} didn’t hear me.” That would be the logical thing to think and probably the most likely explanation for said event. I know this, because I am generally a very logical person. In spite of this, my thought process in this situation would go something like this:

Hmmm. Why didn’t person A respond to my hello? Maybe person A is mad at me? What did I do to make person A mad at me? Or maybe person A just never liked me and was only being civil to me because person A needed me to complete task 1. Is it because I’m obnoxious? Oh wait, I bet it’s because I said I didn’t like that fruit flavored gum 3 weeks ago when person A offered me a piece. Or maybe I smell bad? Oh no. Please tell me I don’t smell like a sewer. Who can I ask if I smell like a sewer and get the truth but not totally embarrass myself? Oh wait, I know what it is. I’m totally getting fired this afternoon and my boss must have told person A that I’m getting fired, and now person A is trying to ignore me to avoid an awkward situation. Oh crap. How much money do I have in savings? How long will that cover the mortgage if I can’t find another job for a while? Is my resume up-to-date? I’m going to update my resume right now and start emailing people tonight to see if they know of any open positions. What should I tell people when they ask me in the interview about why I left my last position? I can’t say I was fired, right? Can I? I need to find out from someone how to answer that question. What if I don’t have money to buy Azita food or diapers? I can’t believe this is happening to me. I’m such a failure. I have no job and my baby is starving and pooping all over the floor.

Seriously. All of that and usually more (that’s the abridged version) is a typical response I might have to a simple human interaction. WTF, people? This is not natural. I know it. I’m about a quarter of a step away from needing a tin foil hat. I blame my mom for this behavior. She is the one who told my sister and me that no one was really our friend or really liked us, people are always trying to take advantage of us, and books are our only friends. I kid you not. Books are our only friends. How’s that for childhood crazy?

Luckily I’m pretty handy with tin foil. And, Roger’s pretty good at talking me down from just about any ledge. Also, thanks to Roger, I now have a Kindle. That means I can carry hundreds of friends around with me no matter where I go. Take that, Verizon network.

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One response

16 09 2009
Cara

I go through all of the same stuff. My brain runs at about 1,000,000 rpm all. the. time.

That is seriously f*ed up of your mom, btw. And I know f*ed up mom stuff. Not pretty.

I’m REALLY your friend. Especially when you tell me I look pretty. 🙂 (Thanks, btw!)

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